jakunenreikon

I've never really liked keeping a journal - I never could keep up a consistant pattern of writing. Plus, I always thought it was silly. Who am I writing to, anyways? Seemed all kind of pointless to me...

I guess, until now. Now there seems to be a point to it. Or at least a reason.

That reason? I've become so incredibly, deeply, crushingly lonely and without some sort of outlet that I feel like I'm a split second away from imploding and disintegrating into dust. I'm at a point where I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to; like there isn't anybody that I can tell absolutely everything to. There just isn't anywhere to go. Maybe I can say some things, to some people, but then I hit this wall where I realize I can't say anything more to them... 

So I'm hoping this helps. I don't know if it will or not. Maybe I'll make a couple of posts and just disappear. We'll see.

Why so depressed, you ask? Guess I'll give the background...

I'm a female-to-male transgender man. This in and of itself is pretty goddamned hard to deal with some days... a lot of days... ok, most days. WTF is that, you ask? The short and sweet answer is I have a male brain and a female's body. Everyone who sees me eventually comes to the conclusion I'm female. My parents raised me as a female. Most people treat me as a female. But I'm not female. I'm male. I feel like one, I act like one, and (as best as I can tell, since I can't read minds) I think like one. I just don't have the body of one.

If you still don't get it, go google it or something. I can't be held to educate the world on TG issues every day, especially when I'm in a mood like this.

Problem is, thats not exactly something that you can go around telling your family and friends and expect to still be taken seriously afterwards. There are a few people that know, but nobody that I come into contact with every day at a face-to-face level. I'm at a point where I really can't tell my parents (with whom I live with right now, to save money while in college) and I can't tell my friends. Because of this, it feels like I'm trapped. 

I can't do anything. I can't see a therapist or counselor or anything, because I can't get to one or pay for one without my parents knowing. I can't visit the school's counselor because I don't dare tell anyone on-campus about this, or have anyone I attend class with see me in there. On top of that, I definitely don't trust a therapist to actually treat me like a human instead of recommending I get thrown into a psych ward.

I can't change anything. I can't buy the clothes I'd feel comfortable wearing, because my parents would ask why I'm shopping in the men's section, or wearing men's clothes, and I can't hide that sort of thing either. I can't get my hair cut, because my parents would ask why on earth I'd want short hair.

I can't fix anything. I'm never going to be what I ought to be. I'm never going to be able to hit the restart button and go back and start at the beginning and have a normal life. I'm never going to live a day without regret, hopelessness, fear, anger, jealousy, and loneliness.

I'm just simply trapped.

The only sort of relief I ever get is through computer games. Specifically, MMOs. It is the one and only time I can actually be me and be taken seriously. I can just relax and be me. Obviously, I end up spending a good amount of time on these. Some discussion forums are alright too, but they generally don't hold my interest. There are a few I visit on a daily basis, and even post on, but I still feel very disconnected.

Anyways, obviously this mind/body clash affects everything I do, but it affects my social functioning the most. Mostly, it causes total social dysfunctioning, to be honest. I can't ever be myself around anyone, so if I ever feel like anyone is starting to get too close, I freak out. They're not getting to know or like me, they're getting to know this fake outer shell that I need to keep up. I feel like such a fake. But I can't let the shell down, either. I can't let them get close. There are some people I wish I could be close to, but it just never works.

I feel like an alien observing humans from a distance, trying to figure them out, but they just don't make any sense to me.

Somehow, I've managed to let one person get close to me, closer than anyone ever has, and even that makes things more complicated. I wouldn't give them up for anything in the world, but the relationship sometimes makes me feel even more lonely and...and... I don't even know how to describe it. Obviously, I get a lot of happiness out of it, otherwise we would have split for good by now. But sometimes it only highlights the fact that I'm really just not part of anything, that I'm an "other", that I don't fit anywhere.

That sense of alienation and loneliness is a big part of the reason I'm having a bad evening, and why I'm rambling on here for nobody in particular.